1.God knows everything, even your most intimate thoughts. Well, if he doesn’t, then CSIS, the CSEC, NSA, Google and Apple certainly do. C’mon, do we really need a Spirit Lord for that level of invasiveness?
2. The World is approximately 6000 years old. Scientists have it all wrong. Fuck carbon dating and the advancement of empirical evidence and logic! All we need is a collection of writings from 2000-3000 years ago to set those assholes straight.
3. Evolution is a belief system, a mere theory. Darwin, Dawkins and their ilk apparently use the inferior techniques of observation, testability, verifiability, repeatability and validity to advance knowledge. Their form of knowledge, that is, justified true belief, relies on evidence. Absurd! If they only had faith, that is, belief without evidence, we could get back to the business of saving souls.
4. Those who are not Christians need saving. They will burn in hell if they do not accept our belief system. There is authority behind all Christian precepts, not the authority of evidence, to be sure, but coercion. Unbelief equals damnation.
5. Save me from the people who would save me from myself. They have muscles for brains. Gang of Four lyrics.
6. Abortion is murder and contraception is sinful. This was Mother Teresa’s gig. Let’s tell the Hormonal to risk AIDS and unwanted pregnancies and then tell them that they can’t abort their troublesome burden. Apparently, Christians don’t need to be socially responsible. In fact, they can encourage the spread of horrific STDS and demand that unwanted children come into the world; most of whom will have few, if any, prospects. Remember, God loves you.
7. We are born sinners. The Christians have a solution. Do you wonder what it is? You get a guy dressed in a tablecloth to pour water on the face of an infant while some words are muttered in front of a witness or two. That once evil, fleshy, putrid, puke fest of a child is now of God.
8. Adam and Eve started civilization on a whim. They ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Before that they could not distinguish between good and evil. We have paid for that ever since. Bastards!
9. Christians await the Second Coming of Jesus. Technically, however, it would actually be the third coming. You see, he lived, preached and died, then rose from the dead and walked around town for a bit then ascended into heaven. I count that as twice. However, math is unimportant (see 2 and 3 above). So, this coming back business will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for the chosen few. The billions of non-Christians are going to be in deep doo-doo when that happens. The future looks bright.
10. Miracles are the foundation of Christian belief. Miracles are a temporary suspension of the laws of nature. God can work those laws to his advantage; after all he invented the fucking things. Jesus walked on water. So did David Blaine.
11. The early Christians believed exactly the same things as contemporary Christians. The teachings are transcendent and ahistorical. Apparently, archeologists, cultural anthropologists, historians and related scholars are in the dark on this one. Mel Gibson’s dad should suffice as a good example.