Note: Due to the ongoing legal issues and, in order to ensure the safety of the victim, the Court has recently lifted a legally imposed publishing ban. Some details are now available.
The DSC’s own Angry Vegan, the most recent addition to the DSC Blog Team, has been convalescing at a local ashram after multiple reconstructive surgeries and a lengthy stay in hospital. The medical team is pleased with his progress and has released him under medical supervision. Locals said he was savagely beaten by a meat eating, women-hating, limp-dicked, sclerosis-ridden workingman. Local police described the carnage as the kill floor at your favourite abattoir. Witnesses also describe watching what appeared to be a butcher gutting a calf. When Police and Rescue arrived at the scene the Angry Vegan was a trembling, quivering sack of dislodged meat.
The perpetrator of this heinous act had overheard the Angry Vegan make a disparaging comment about grain fed beef. Witnesses state that he also claimed that certain American beers, made under license in Canada, were flavoured and made, in part, with corn. The Angry Vegan appeared to enjoy provoking Burt Geddoe, 35, of Tungsten Grange but things went south quickly after Mr. Vegan proclaimed that Ford, GM and Chrysler were foreign cars in Canada just as a Toyota was. The Angry Vegan is well known to the residents of the area; many of whom were deeply shocked that their loveable curmudgeon was subjected to such cruelty. However, some did say that though they were fond of AV (as he is known); something was bound to happen eventually given the provocative and confrontational nature of his personality.
Though Police have yet to release full details (it is uncertain if they will ever be permitted by the Court), Geddoe has been charged with aggravated assault, unnecessary use of force and improper use of a spoon. He faces a maximum of 20 years in federal prison. Lobby groups from the federal and provincial meat industries, and the American car manufacturing sector are providing Geddoes with legal and financial support. The Angry Vegan is using a Legal Aid lawyer for the pending civil cases launched against him.
We expect a public statement from the Angry Vegan once lawyers manage to set clearly defined parameters for trial and police report press releases. It’s possible that even given the horrendous violence to which he was subjected, Mr. Vegan could face millions of dollars worth of legal costs and owed settlements to the interested parties. The civil cases are being built as the criminal trial proceeds. The criminal trial is expected to last six weeks.
The DSC News Bulletin Services
Artist's interpretation of events as they unfolded Thursday, July 10th, when a Donald Street downtown apartment resident was witnessed damaging property in suites below. Officials stated it may be linked to the "Linda Blair Food Poisoning" event that occurred a few weeks ago or it may just be the same bastard that pukes every Thursday night from the third floor balcony.
Once again the DSC News Bulletin Services has gotten the scoop from the streets and presents it here for you first, at the Donald Street Collective!
You may have heard about the brazen shooting near the intersection of Graham and Carlton Thursday night, but what you haven't heard are the facts behind the craziness...and sheesh...is it ever crazy!
It would seem that a love struck patron of the Shark Club just wanted to give a gift to his favourite waitress. Little did he know that, as with all servers at the Shark Club, she was in actuality an Automated Female Server Killing Unit (better known as AFSKU). As the Cyborg finished its shift and went to its vehicle, the romantic Shark Club regular approached "her" to give it a flower. Unfortunately, the AFSKU computed this parking lot visit as a threat and reacted defensively (as depicted below in Artist's interpretation). Police stated this happens more than they would like to admit and warn patrons of all downtown eateries and bars to refrain from foolishly thinking servers have any emotions,feelings or loving inclinations...regardless of how much you tip them. The AFSKU was released when police determined it was, "...just doing its job."
Continuing in the DSC's tradition of misinforming you before others do, we have three downtown news items that caught our attention in the past month. All involve cops...and all involve complete fabrication. Courtesy of the DSC News Bulletin Services!
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