An altercation took place. I was injured. Those facts may or may not be related. I was attacked by a person that appeared to be angered by my provocations. Again, that has yet to be confirmed or denied in the courts. The injuries sustained by me were the result of my assailant using a spoon; something I haven’t used or seen since. The assailant was a man and he hurt me. The courts will determine whether he hurt me or not. The Crown agrees with my version of what now is a “story”. We know where the event occurred and that there were 17 witnesses. Some of these witnesses may or may not be discredited. Justice is lofty. I am not interested in justice. That’s the Court’s issue, not mine.
You think I was angry before? Well, the bar has been raised. When I return to work I intend to unleash my blind rage on all meat eaters, the meat and automobile industries, global warming deniers, Mr. Harper’s Government, and any local restaurant that fails to satisfy my dietary expectations. This horrific event has provided a sharper focus for my vitriol. Few outside my inner circle will escape my wrath-laden words.
I want your money, not your sympathy. My besotted friend, Herr Doctor, is accepting donations on my behalf so please speak to him at the close of this statement. This has been a difficult time for all involved and my gratitude to those of you who showed concern as my gut sac spilled gently onto the floor. Special thanks go to the guy with the shop vac and plastic bags. I appreciate the gesture. No, really.
Thank-you and Good Day